Soft landing

Chaos magic and related matters

On my last post I mentioned we were packing up and going to who knows where. Before I even began to gather myself, Erik ( father of my child ) had already secured a storage unit and a place to go, we would be house sitting for one of his permaculture clients. My heart was heavy but at least we had a place to go so I could continue working and tending to my health. Little did I know that the day would spin and turn in unexpected ways. Our friend who was visiting from Colorado could not fathom that we would loose the house just like that, she was appalled by our willingness to just walk away. I explained to her that I was not interested in fighting, it was done, the legal system would put pressure on the landowner as well as financial realities, I accepted my fate to look for something else but my dear sister who is a woman of fire said NO, this belongs to you and there is still a way to stay here in your home, your child should not have to continue moving around with no ground or stability, it’s time to claim your home. She spoke with the couple interested in moving in with us, she spoke with another friend who was speaking with the woman who acted violently causing us all to leave. By five in the evening, the woman who had signed the lease and who none of us had any desire to live with, removed herself, she realized we would all abandon ship if she moved in and all financial responsibilities would fall squarely on her lap as well as finding new room/ land mates. She ended up calling the land owner and confirmed her willingness to sign a cancellation of the lease, all legal threats got off the table opening the opportunity for our squad to take over.

So we got our ducks in a row and are in the midst of signing a new lease with people we find deep resonance with and kinship. All things falling slowly and gently into place. Another interesting and unexpected occurrence is that Erik and I deepened in connection, he has been showing up as protector, father and friend. The crisis gave him the opportunity to wear his shiny knight’s armour and he faced adversity with courage, he has also been gallant and courteous. The conversations we are having were over due but I believe we all needed a shift of perspective and awareness. He held me for a few nights in a row to help me regulate and feel safe, his arms felt like a fortress of security and I could feel his heart and willingness to meet me. I acknowledged that I was scared, I have not trusted him with my heart and when I said I was done I meant it. And yet, there we were, enveloped in the bonds of family, snuggled up with our boy, filled with gratitude for having one another and for the beauty we create.

Up until that dreadful night, I had not desired touch or time with him and suddenly I found myself in the warmth of his embrace, wishing I could stay there forever. I am treading lightly though and I feel him being gentle and compassionate as we continue riding this wild rollercoaster into our hearts. There is a lot of stories within stories but what is true is, there is a lot of love and devotion to the altar of family. All this magic has unfolded as a response to a violent fallout with one person in our friend group constellation and, I will add another detail to the saga, the week prior to the chaos, I walked into the court house and got divorce papers, this entire time the divorce documents have been sitting on a desk in the bedroom. Last night as Erik and I held each other in late night conversation he invited me to burn them and rekindle the flame of our relationship. This is the first time perhaps, since we met thirteen years ago that we both truly bare our hearts and share vulnerably our fears, our doubts and our hopes. The past couple weeks have been the most psychedelic of this entire year ( no drugs needed ) life is trip! and what I know is that the more you resist and enforce your own agenda, the worst the trip goes, it’s best to surrender to the will of the gods and dance in spontaneity as the music changes and invites you to adapt to a new rhythm…. we are dancing! and I may or may not have gotten real intimate last night with the father of my child and legal husband and partner of the last thirteen years ha!

God has a sense of humour and I would stop laughing but god keeps making jokes, I am listening, I am opening up, I have softened into the sovereignty of my being and I am deeply aware of default modes, of antiquated roles and narratives that are simply echoes of past timelines. I believe we have crossed the threshold, we passed the test and we find ourselves in new territory. Life is happening fast and It’s important to make space and slow it down so that the river of experience has time to soak every cell of remembrance. May we awaken to the miracle of love, may we rise with accountability, owning our part in this co-creation story and may we continue landing softly on the hands of the divine. What a gift it is to be humbled by life only to be lifted and exalted by our resilient human spirit. We are held with the hands of creator, everyday is opportunity to write the story according the integrity we uphold. We are creators, powerful instruments of spiritual essence, we carry medicine and it’s time to share the right dose with our circles.