Uprooting

Moving and related matters

I did not know midlife would feel like this, I saw myself sitting on a patio in my cabin with a pipe and a book, I did not see myself surviving single motherhood again, I did not see myself explaining to adults why consideration matters and why the needs of the mother are vital for the health of the child. I drove alone to my new house with a heavy heart, grief hit me like a flood and I cried like a lonely child, I am still that child. Transitions are always hard, I’ve moved eleven times in six years! I was promised a garden, a homestead, I was promised togetherness. And yet, I have it exceptionally good, the Yuba river is fifteen minutes away from me and I have friends and family that love me. And yet, I dreamed a different dream, I dreamt of a house like this one with children and partner, I dreamed of collaboration and togetherness, I dreamed of intimacy and depth. Today as I drove away, I acknowledged that I have been alone for a long time, even in relationships, romance was void of presence. I just packed up my house and cleaned it alone, while working, while tending to my child. It’s a lot. I am faced with the fact that most of my life has been a trauma response, every friendship and relationship has mirrored my desire to be seen and loved by my mother. There it is, thats it, that’s everything, root cause and core wound. The more I listen to women’s stories, the more I realize that I am not alone in this conditioning. So many of us have reached exhaustion looking for connection in places that are vacant. I finally reached the point where choosing myself was the only option, my health depends on this daily choice. I never knew that I would be single at forty nine, I was certain I had found my person, I never knew that the man I loved would treat me like something indispensable, something granted. I finally have enough self respect to honor myself and to live in reverence to the power I wield.